Two cans of milk, a can of coffee, batteries...

I was looking at the shopping list in my hand, which grew longer and longer as I read.

What am I doing here?

Suddenly my brain reminded me of an hour ago. My mother had made a list of what was missing and sent me to the store, and instead of finishing my work and returning home, I was in the middle of the hygiene aisle, losing touch with reality. After putting both hands on my face and rubbing them hard, I recovered and started to complete the list, but I turned to my right when a familiar voice called my name.

"The universe..."

My mother Süheyla and my brother Efe were looking at me from the aisle.

"Why don't you answer my calls? I thought something happened to you."

He came running to me and hugged me. As I hugged him, I felt strange. What could have happened to me in a few hours?

"I'm fine, I just zoned out." I gestured to the products in the aisle, but instead of looking at me, my mother was looking at the shopping cart, which was still empty after over an hour. She was right, she probably thought I was a big idiot. I rubbed my forehead with my hand and put my hand on the cart.

"Come on, mom, let's finish our work and go home."

I couldn't make up my mind. I was so tense, so tense. Something was going to happen, something bad, something ominous, terrible...

I couldn't take it anymore and collapsed on the floor, and my mother was pulling me by the arm. I didn't have to look up to realize what was happening, strangely I knew.

Fire.

I grabbed Efe's hand and went out, my mother following one step ahead of us. When we reached outside the door, I could barely comprehend how bad it was.

It was like the apocalypse; people trying to get out, people trying to help...

An old man stepped in front of me and pushed me.

"You have to help me." I looked for my mom because the man's tone startled me, but I saw that they were already in the car. I ran, I ran.

But I couldn't catch up.

**

When I woke up, I took a deep breath, shivers running down my spine just remembering how scared I was. The smell of the fire, the way my mother hugged me, the way the strange man pushed me and said something so real that I doubted my sanity.

I sat up in bed, put my feet on the cold floor and held my head in my hands for a while.

I had barely recovered when my mother knocked on my door and came in, but her words were enough to shatter me again.

"I've jotted down some supplies. You need to go to the market."

I don't remember how I got out of that house or how I got to the supermarket, I just walked in and threw myself into the hygiene aisle, which was relatively far in the back. The déjà vu I experienced upon entering this aisle made me feel nauseous, but I was too weak to walk away. I glanced at the list in my hand.

Two cans of milk, a can of coffee, batteries...

Either I was crazy or my mom was coming soon. I started counting in my head.

One, two, three...

"The universe..."

My mother Süheyla, my brother Efe, the empty shopping cart...

When we started to go around again, I was counting in my head again.

One, two, three, four...

I collapsed on the ground.

My mom started pulling me.

Fire.

I felt like I was going crazy, like the ground was slipping out from under me. When I took Efe's hand and went outside, my head started to spin even more when I saw the same scene. I could hear whispers.

"The person who did this was an ex-convict."

"They actually planned this event long before."

I wanted to yell at everyone to shut up. And when that man finally found me and said the same words, I threw myself into the flames without looking at my parents. People were trying to pull a hose from the basement. At first I didn't know what to do, but then I threw myself into the basement.

A lot of strange faces were looking at me as if asking me what I was doing here. I had nothing to say to them, I was just here.

At one point I was so far back that my back hit the handle of a door. When I reached out, the metal handle was burning like fire. I still didn't pull my hand away. I needed something or someone to make me feel that this scene was real.

But people were going about their business without looking at me. I remembered that I had to help them and I wanted to let go of the door handle, but I couldn't. My hand felt like it was stuck. I shouted in fear to the people there, but they didn't hear me. The scar on my chest started to ache.

I was about to force the door one more time when I heard my mom's voice. "Evren..."

Although the second déjà vu did not hit me as hard as the first, I felt an electric current running along my spine.

My mother grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the stairs. We were both crying so hard that we couldn't say a word. The last thing I remember about this market is that the man pushing me shouted behind me, "If you don't run, it will swallow you."

When we got to the car, I hugged Efe. There was soft music playing on the radio. My mom came to the car after waiting outside for a few more minutes to calm down. When our eyes met in the rearview mirror, I knew that we would talk about my irresponsible behavior when we got home. I didn't want to think about what had happened in order to calm down at least until we got home. I leaned my head against the window, but in vain. I could still hear that man's voice in the background.

When we got home, Efe ran off to join his friends playing ball and I was left alone with my mother. I expected her to scold me, but she surprised me with a hug. When we parted, she looked at me with a frown.

"You scared me so much, Universe, why did you go there?"

I kept my head down because I didn't have anything to say. I could talk about that man, but I didn't want to. I felt like talking about it would only complicate everything. But when my mother opened her mouth, my heart started pounding so hard that I found myself collapsing to the floor again.

"I dreamt that he died in the fire at the grocery store."

Iris Rebels

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